Connecting the DOTS™ in Relationships
LOVE is such a magical, uncontrollable, and magnetic force, but how could it go so wrong so quickly? This is what I wondered after my first marriage ended. Of course, that was 25 years ago and I didn’t understand what I do today. I remember wanting to know why it hadn’t worked since we both felt we were closely compatible.
When I Connected my own DOTS™, this is what I realised.
There are the first 3 stages of love. Firstly—in Psychology terms—there is the ‘limerence effect’ also known as the ‘blue moon’. This delicious time is when we happily drown in Oxytocin and other neurotransmitters. This can also mean that our better judgement literally ‘goes out the window’!
Secondly, at some point, the Oxytocin evaporates and the red flags become visible. We ask ourselves ‘is he/she there for me? Can we build trust and love together?’
Finally, to develop commitment and loyalty, we ponder ‘can we walk this journey together?’ This is where communication can potentially become intimate, where we trust enough to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. This is also when conflict can arise, and where disagreements can either be resolved or create a rift leading to separation. Beyond therapy, psychology or separation, I propose that conflict holds another promise.
The challenge is that every relationship or marriage is fraught with ‘programmes’, the invisible root of all our values and beliefs that drive every action, feeling and reaction.
Let’s examine some global programmes. There is the ‘bio-logic attraction factor’ where we select a partner for the survival of the species; or the ‘exchange theory’ which is driven by a desire of social rank equality; or the ‘personal theory’ which is about being with a partner that enhances our self-image—common among celebrities. None of these leave much room for truly fulfilling relationships where both partners can become more of themselves, and form a co-creative entity together. And let’s not forget the ‘marriage programme’ which was mostly created in the name of financial security and convenience. All these still run ‘at the back of our minds which the conscious mind has no idea about, and often argues vehemently to the contrary.
We carry personal programmes that sound like “when I open my mouth, my mother / my father speaks!”, cultural, religious, etc. programmes. All of these make it hard to be ourselves and have truly fulfilling relationships where we feel loved and cherished.
Here is what I propose: Our neurotransmitters and hormones are activated by our subconscious processes meaning that when we feel attraction, our subconscious’ minds recognise potential. Potential for what? Liberation. Freedom. Self-realisation. Attraction and conflict mean that the red flags i.e. the programming is active: another word for ‘doorway’, an opportunity to acknowledge what came up in us, clear it to make new tracks in our relationship. Beyond the programming lies ‘the new relationship’, mutually empowering, truly loving and expansive. YOU deserve nothing less!